Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps