He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
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Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
How to properly lift a body
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”