Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke