I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
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My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
what day is it?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
courtroom exchange of the day
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate