I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
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TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.