Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
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If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
rapatouille