me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
You Might Also Like
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed