Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
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“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Oh. My. God.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!