You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don鈥檛 do what you say; use it wisely.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I just broke two of my dad鈥檚 old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
so I鈥檓 driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it鈥檚 pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I鈥檝e got a neighbor who鈥檚 really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 馃崜
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
everyone make a new friend so you don鈥檛 get assigned to David
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Why he land on that little girl like that鈽狅笍