bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
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[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Natty or not?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!