Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
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I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
no
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal