I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
You Might Also Like
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
A drum solo but on your face.