Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
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Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down