pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
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I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Gods work.
Happy thanksgiving
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
As the Lord intended
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Me, after a minor inconvenience: