Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was