I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.