HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today