Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
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“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*