Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I’m calling the cops.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night