[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
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Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
When can I start eating bats again.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
The best plant holders?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Meowchelangelo
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us