If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
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Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Meth is short for Elizameth.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
PLEASE READ
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year