People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.