Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
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Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
got so much cardio in today
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me