who called it hell and not heaven’t
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ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Message from the dog groomers
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense