FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.