If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
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I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.