You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My wife gives the best headache.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.