Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
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Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
They must have gotten it to go.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.