Pat is about to own someone
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I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?