heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
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Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation