Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
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GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.