Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
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you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?