6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
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I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
me
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler