A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
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Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.