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Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this