Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
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Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
#Caturday
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.