A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.