Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
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That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
*orders delivery*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?