Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
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Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
HELP 😭
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”