Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
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wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I can’t stop watching this.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Eggs benadryl my favourite