*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
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Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?