Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
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After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
eggs benadryl
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.