me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
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[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too