My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.