If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.