Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
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No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”