My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My birthstone is kidney
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
This hospital has everything
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come