I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
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A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.