Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
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Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*