A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
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Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”